Trust me

The other day I had to simply stand still in my bathroom for a moment and breathe.  I felt anxiety and worry rising up over me like a wave, and at that moment, I recognized that if Tod had simply been in the room with me that “wave” would have been kept at bay or possibly never even existed.  Somehow just Tod’s mere presence often erased feelings of worry and fear in my life.  It was a moment that gave me a glimpse into my own restless heart and revealed just how much I actually felt sheltered in and by my husband.

In the stillness of the room, the gentle whispers of Jesus came reminding me that He was present, that He was there, and that He will never leave me or forsake me. “Trust me” I kept hearing. Jesus asked me to trust Him more deeply in that moment with the situation that was set before me that day and to trust His ability to still the wave of worry. He gently reminded me that He is abundantly sufficient for me in each moment.  It was one of those moments in this journey that I realized just how much I need more of Jesus in my life, and how priceless His promises are right now as I cling to them by faith.   

With this tramatic loss of Tod in the life of our family, I am coming to know myself more fully, but even more importantly, I am coming to know and rely on Jesus more fully too.  And Jesus does not disappoint.  He has graciously and abundantly been more than I could have asked for or wanted had I known this was going to be the trajectory of my life.  The fact that He graciously reveals Himself so intimately and powerfully to me is nothing short of His abundant mercy woven into this time of sorrow.  How He is able to weave His goodness into the brokenness of my life is simply due to His glorious nature as God, as well as, an incredibly tender and loving Heavenly Father.

He continues to show me His great compassion in tangible ways through His word, and His grace has been poured out through the countless verses shared with me by family and friends over the last two months. As I have poured over God’s Holy Word, so many verses have become life lines drawing me back, anchoring my heart to the truth and lifting my eyes to Jesus who understands far more about the pain of death than I do.  For the book of Isaiah draws my eyes to see Jesus in the place of deepest pain,  

“He was despised and rejected – a man of sorrows and acquainted with the deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.  He was despised and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down.  And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!  But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.  All of us like sheep, have strayed away.  We have left God’s path to follow our own.  Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. ” Is. 53:3-6  

Jesus understands the pain and brokenness of this world to the depths that I will never experience or know.  His love and passion for us just drip off of these verses as they describe His relentless love that drove Him to sacrifice Himself on our behalf. This passage moves me to tears when I realize the weight of the truth about my sin and the price that it required from me that was paid for by Him.  

But God doesn’t let Isaiah end the passage there for He wants us to see His heart's desire.  Isaiah continues, “But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief.  Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants.  He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.  When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied.  And because of his experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins.” Is. 53:10-11 

You see, Tod believed this.  He believed God’s word was true, and Tod had let Jesus bear his sins for him through faith. Tod had become one of Jesus, “many descendants.” When God called Tod home two months ago, Tod was counted among the righteous not because he was good but because Jesus is.  This work of God through Jesus was the foundation on which Tod built his life and that we had built as a couple and family.  Jesus is why there is hope even in the midst of death.  Jesus is why there is peace even in the midst of loss. Jesus sits with me in the sorrow, and He pours out His mercy and grace that I may find abundant joy and hope in His presence.

So can I trust Jesus with my worry and fear, with my pain and grief? Yes! Can I trust Jesus to fill me with His power and that He will accomplish good for me and my children?  Yes!  Can I trust Him to be the shelter from the storms that life will bring? Yes!  Can He do more than I can imagine or think, be my refuge and strength without end or exhaustion, my guard and my guide throughout each day and in every moment? Yes! His powerful Holy Word teaches me, reminds me who I am and who I belong to.  God’s word is far more than just comforting thoughts to me, it is life giving, for it takes me to worship at the throne of the One who gave his life for me – Jesus.