Grace and Grief hold hands

Matthew 22:32b, “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.”

This week has been a bit of a hard crossing as memory and missing have intertwined tightly around my heart, yet it has also held the sweet fragrance of life in and with Jesus Christ. As I headed into Probate Court to finish up the legal aspects of Tod’s will, I thought it was going to be a rather mundane event, but God was writing a different story that day for my soul. As I sat down in the courthouse, I could feel the tears beginning to press at the edges of my eyes begging permission to start pouring. I was completely caught off guard, and then I was plunged into the fresh feelings of Tod dying all over again. The finality of it hit my heart so hard as I was waiting for my appointment with the court. I just started praying, “Oh God help me – I need your strength, I’m about to lose it right here in the middle of all these people!!”

At that moment up walked Shannon, God’s life-line to draw me back into the present and out of the spin in my head. This precious woman who I was meeting for the first time in the awkward space of a courthouse had worked with Tod at the Dallas District Attorney’s office and had been one of the signing witnesses for Tod’s will 11 years earlier.  She said, “Robyn?” and immediately my mind was moved beyond the scenario of uncontrollably crying in the middle of the huge space of the courtroom hall and into the intimate space of getting to know this gracious woman who had come up to help me.

We sat and talked for a few moments about how she and Tod had worked together, their jobs crossing over in the legal arena protecting children in Dallas, she for CPS and Tod as an assistant DA. They had officed across from each other and if we had ever met before, I don’t remember, but in that moment, she was God’s grace for my grief and His answer for breathing life and hope back into this space for me that felt so shrouded in loss and death. 

As we walked into the courtroom together, a flood of memories came pouring in of “my” lawyer, Tod, doing his job in the courtroom, which had suited his argumentative talents so well. I was asked some quick questions in front of the judge and in a matter of minutes it was over. Tod’s will proved up, and it was simply over.  Tod’s 13 years of diligent work as a prosecutor for Dallas county and 10 years working with his family and employees at Red Dot, building out a legacy there was simply over. Our 26 years of building a life together, our names woven inextricably together on everything, was now legally given over to my name alone.

Matthew 10:29-31 ^“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

As we finished up, I gratefully hugged Shannon and said our goodbyes. As I walked to my car though every step felt so heavy, the finality of that moment was just deafening, it all felt too real and too hard. Then the simple song of a bird broke the silence, gently ushering me back into life reminding me God the Creator was right here, He knew the thoughts of my hurting heart and He made His presence known to me through the trill of a small bird. Once I sat down in my car, my composure broke and tears and pain flowed uncontrollably in His presence.

1Peter 1:3, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to his abundant mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,” 

As I messaged with loved ones about my court experience, I got a text message from Tod’s Aunt Mary that caused my soul to sit in awe and wonder. “Tod is more alive today than ever,” she wrote. Alive… That truth washed over me in holy worship as I realized again that while my grief was achingly real and the loss undeniable within that same space was the profound grace that Tod was truly alive. This journey continues to teach me so much about faith and trust and just who my Savior truly is, but one truth surfacing lately and working its’ way into my soul’s existence is that in the presence of Jesus there is created the unique space for grief and grace to coexist. In Christ they seem to welcome one another in and hold hands, working together to accomplish His will and His ways in my life.

John 5:24, “Truly, Truly I say to you, he who hears My words, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.”

This grief has brought me into a deeper love and reverence for the gospel of Jesus Christ because in Him is found real and lasting life. It has taken me to new depths of trust and confidence knowing that death is put in its’ temporal place due to the redeeming work of Christ’s death on the cross and His resurrection. God has mercifully chosen to work His glory out within the context of our broken and rebellious world, calling souls awake and into truly living. This was true for Tod as He had heard God’s call in high school and while death has now separated us temporarily, it is but for a brief moment when placed in the setting of time without end. Death is submissive to the One who can bring life out of it, something for which Jesus Christ alone has done and can do. The consolations of Jesus are truly endless and they continue to bind up my wounded heart more and more with vibrant hope and abundant gratitude.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 So be truly glad. There is a wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.”

So while this life altering time is present, none of it is wasted in life with Christ. My Savior is resolute in lovingly purifying me through my sufferings as they are His tools to pierce and prod the depths of my heart. Refining my faith where it is sorely lacking, revealing the parts of my soul that are in need of His truth, His help, His rebuke, and His discipline so that I am lovingly purified more and more into deeper devotion and abundant life. His hope relentlessly breathes life into my aching heart and his call reminds me to simply trust and rest in Him. Even grief with all its’ brutalities, has to listen and obey His voice.

“We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need. ”  Hebrews 4:15-16

To those of you who are trekking this earth with pain, loss, and suffering – take heart.  You are not alone. He sees you, He hears you, and He knows the depths of your pain. He is full of compassion and empathizes with your fragile heart. Christ knows what is it to suffer on this earth. He did it with His heart fully set on His Father’s love that He may afford to those who believe the unbreakable belonging as His holy-loved child.  He will not forsake us but rather He will fully meet us with His covering of mercy, grace, strength, and hope walking every step with us on the pathway home.