Three Months In

Three months in and our family has begun to encounter real “firsts” without Tod.  Tears have flowed collectively and privately, and yet joy and laughter have accompanied those moments as well. I don’t understand it other than to know Jesus is here amongst us and he won’t leave, and I am grateful.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we maybe able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 

Since Tod’s earthly journey ended and his heavenly one began, God’s ability to comfort me while such an ache in my soul exists is nothing short of astounding. My life feels strangely quiet with Tod’s absence and memories are visiting more often now. Yet God’s Holy Word continues to carry new meaning for me as it reaches into the crevices of my hurting heart with His gentle promises of help and healing, calling me to trust Him even when it doesn’t seem real or possible or make any kind of sense.

God who revealed himself to me years ago has relentlessly pursued me during this time of loss and brokenness. His comfort and love has abundantly poured out in ways I could have never imagined weaving His peace and unearthly joy into this space. That I can feel sorrow and yet melt into a place of peace, or caught up in a storm of tears and then sense God’s grace flooding in continues to mark this time in my life with the truth that I am being sheltered under God’s shadow.

This verse has taken on new meaning for me, “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:4 I take heart in this promise of God being purposeful in placing His shadow over me and my children for a shadow can only be cast when something is standing between you and the burning glare of the sun. God Himself is in that space continually protecting us from the scorching heat of life’s offering right now which could so easily parch our weary souls, but He continues to provide a place of rest and sustenance for us in Him.  He truly is our protector and provider, a hiding place that is safe and trustworthy.

As His hope works into my soul it doesn’t remove or lessen the heartache, instead I have found it couples with it. Grabbing a hold of each painful moment mingling it with a quiet but sure knowing, that even in the midst of these circumstances the promises of God’s love and goodness are there ever present and eternal.  That stirs a deep sense of gratitude in my heart and with each new day I am given the gift of being with “my people” has become such a precious treasure, and His ability to bring about good in the midst of hurt and pain is never diminished or extinguished. 

As memories continue to make their presence known to me, the life God gave Tod and I together has taken on a depth of meaning that I can’t even put into words yet. At times, I am amazed that this man was my husband, that God wove our family into being and gave us three remarkable people to raise up. The way God’s spirit manifested in Tod’s life was and is just extraordinary to me now, as I gain new insight and understanding from this tender perspective that is still so very raw.

Tod and I had just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary just 4 days before he went into the hospital with the stroke.  Our marriage was one that we had worked on, in, and out together.  It was definitely a marriage held together by love, effort, time, and commitment, as well as, lots of conversation.  We both were strong willed creatures with willful hearts, and over 26 years of marriage we made our share of messes together, but in God’s graciously patient plans for us, we had become soul mates. That occurrence was only due to God’s compassionate work in our lives and our gritty work with each other. 

God used the two of us to sanctify each other’s life, and we were in a constant state of learning how to live authentically with each other, willing to share the unattractive junk of our souls, confessing faults, and learning how to forgive each other, all be it in a messy way, and I now marvel at how lovely and deep the mercy and grace was that God laid over it all.  We were definitely a beautiful broken work in progress under God’s passionate and restorative care, and neither of us would have ever guessed this season of our life together would be done so quickly. Just a word of grace here, entrust yourself to God and do the hard work. 

“Above all you must live as a citizen of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ.” Philippians 1:27

I hold this verse close now because heaven no longer seems like a far off reality. It has been brought in so very close. Life clarifies quickly in the face of death, and the truth that Tod is home as a citizen in heaven and Jesus is sight for him is such a life-giving balm for me. But God’s truth also tells me that through faith, I too am a citizen of heaven, just a thin veil of flesh separates me from seeing Jesus the way Tod sees Him. This extraordinary thought resonates deeply in my life providing reassurance to take one step at a time as I am still on the journey home. I am a part of his kingdom and everything, my identity, my belonging, and my calling are His to give. He promises He will provide Himself in each moment and that He is more than enough - one day at a time.  I am finding this to be true through the tears.